8/26/2014

I'm an emotional wreck

I've found these last few weeks tough. There have been far too many ups and downs. It's been an emotional rollarcoaster, one I've wanted off. There are so many worries on my mind at the moment and if I'm not thinking about one, I'm thinking about another..

House
It feels like such a long time ago that we bought the house and started on the renovations. To think we actually had hoped to be in the house by May is just laughable and I can't believe I was so naive. We are now heading into September and still don't know when we are moving in. We are getting there slowly but there are dozens of odd jobs here and there that still need to be completed. Once we tick one job off the list another three are added and it's been like that since day one. It's like we can't catch a break. It's been great living with the inlaws but it's hard not having your own space both physically and mentally. Although I am comfortable here it just isn't our home. There are some days that I wish I could turn back time and not buy the house but I know that's just a stupid thought to think. There are many people out there that would love to be where we are but it's hard to think that way sometimes when you are in the thick of it. I hope I can be update you all soon on our move.

Money
We've never really had to worry about money before. We both worked and brought in an okay amount of money but we never had to watch our pennies so we didn't. Now we have the house renovation to pay for we find ourselves in a different predicament and have to try to watch what we spend. What we spend isn't much because now my maternity pay has ended and we are struggling. With Noah's 1st birthday in less than 3 months I want to start buying his birthday presents but I literally have no money to spend. All my money and savings have gone into the house and I'm left with nothing. It's frustrating because I used to be able to buy whatever I liked (within reason) but now when I have a son and when it matters, I can't.

Work
Last and least leads me to the bulk of my worries; going back to work. I have a month left before I have to return to work and when I think about leaving Noah my heart feels heavy and I feel like I wan't to burst out in tears. The guilt I feel when I think about leaving him is horrendous and I know it's daft to feel that way but I do. I see both the pros and cons when it comes to going back to work and staying at home but if I could choose I would choose to stay at home. Unfortunately at the moment we aren't financially able for me to do so and I feel so bitter about that fact. I wish there was a way I was able to work from home so I could support our family financially and support my son at home, everyday of the week and not just 4.

Yesterday morning I was sat on the bed mulling over all these worries and I began to cry. I then felt itchy, I couldn't breathe and I started to have an anxiety attack. I feel like there is just too many things to think and worry about at the moment and I feel emotionally drained. I have a constant knot in my stomach because I am constantly worrying about something. For a second I actually felt like packing a bag and running away with Noah just to escape from it all.

What would make me happy? I want to be financially stable. I want our home to be completed and to be living in it and enjoying it with my family. I don't want to return back to work, I want to stay at home enjoying Noah every single second of every single day.. Am I asking for too much? 

7 comments:

  1. No you are just been a loving mum who has a bit too much going on to cope with. I used to be like this and ended up getting M.E and loosing an income. We now have less money and I blame myself as living stresses out all the time could have potentially caused my body to get M.E.fully understand where you are coming from, take it from me an older but not wiser mum give yourself a break, you sound like you a lovely mum and a caring person who just wants a nice life. You will get there. Happy to chat anytime !

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  2. Aww hun :( I didn't leave Rio until I went back to work at 14 months..im not going to lie it was horrible, but the first day back is the hardest and there is nothing more rewarding than watching their little face light up when you get home. I'm no better off going back to work..other than it looks better on paper for us to get our mortgage. Especially now with two kids.. but it's actually good to get adult conversation and it makes you appreciate those days off so so much more. Saying that..i am absolutely dreading going back knowing I have to leave too. Your an amazing mummy..doing everything you can to provide for your little fam-a-lam..never feel bad about that! X

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  3. The house will be worth it and these difficulties are short term. Once a little bit of money starts to come in then you will be able to buy Noah's presents. As for leaving him. Yes it is hard. I went back to work when my youngest was 13 months old and I know I was very lucky I was to be at home for that long with her. Now, 7 months on, my two youngest are at a fantastic nursery. They go mornings only and Nanny and Grandad have them in the afternoon until I can pick them up at 3pm. They love it and are so happy there which makes me happy too. You are doing an amazing job and you will have a fabulous family house and long term this will be worthwhile. Also, I'm sure Noah will love nursery and thrive and that will make things a whole lot better. x

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  4. Aww hun, it is hard leaving them, but my little man did so much more at nursery and grew so much independence, taste in food, character, but he was always our little boy no matter what. What seems overwhelming now will pass, be worth the pain. No decision you make is ever final and you never know what opportunities are around the corner that can change life in ways you never imagined.

    Have faith, have strength and take one day at a time, always

    @msedollyp

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  5. In as caring as way as possible, suddenly I feel better. After a break up with my ex I bought my first house alone in Dec and it's still not right. I moved in about 2 months ago but I am living in a building side. I thought I would be able to move straight in but due to an awful lot of black mold I have had to gut it completely. Currently I am without a kitchen. I am in a similar situations with never ending to do lists and money worries. Suddenly there is only my paycheck, I too have gone from no money worries to resenting every purchase and in fact I did a happy dance around my living room when my credit card bill came in this month and was significantly lower than I feared. The only thing I can't relate to is having to leave my child (but that's because no one wants to have a kid with me ;0).

    I know this probably won't help you, but I felt I was doing so badly and that anyone else in this situation would be doing so much better. Knowing there are two of you and yet you are still struggling makes me feel like less of a failure.

    So I am sorry I am not much support, but thank you for sharing your sorrows. It has helped me a lot!!

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  6. You're not asking for too much. I think it's what the majority of us want, but it is so often out of reach. You have a gorgeous son, and will have a gorgeous home - once the renovations are done you can save up again. Noah is not going without - all that he cares about is being loved, and he certainly gets that. Chin up love, live in the moment. You are setting a great example to your boy xx

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  7. Going back to work isn't as bad as it seems of course it will be upsetting at first I'm not going to lie but you both will soon get use to it. I wrote a couple of posts when I first started back about it :)

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